So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
