he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
