I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
