Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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