I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
