Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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