Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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