Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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