Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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