i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
