I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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