I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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