i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
