you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
