Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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