Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
