Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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