My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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