neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
