My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
