between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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