you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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