I'm pants shitting drunk right now
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
