I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
