When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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