i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
