Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
