I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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