His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
