Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
