i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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