Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
