Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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