Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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