Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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