he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
