The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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