ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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