Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
