I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
