last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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