i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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