I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
