I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
