I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize