When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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