Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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