I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
