I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
