i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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