How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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