Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
