We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
