I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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