1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
