If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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