Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
