discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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