Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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